Self Care, or Lack of Same

In seminary there were lots of conversations about self-care. They happened in classes, with my spiritual director on internship, with colleagues, with friends, with professors. You get the picture: there were lots of conversations on this topic. Usually they followed the same pattern as we (whoever the "we" might have been) discussed ways to survive first call, ways to maintain proper boundaries, ways to take care of ourselves throughout our time as pastors. The basics go something like this: Find a circle of friends/colleagues outside of the congregation where you a) don't have to be the pastor and b) can vent or rejoice about your job to people who aren't your parishioners. Have hobbies and interests outside of your job. Maintain proper boundaries with parishioners, especially where you might have a dual relationship of some sort. Find a spiritual director and/or a good counselor. Exercise regularly. The list goes on, but you get the idea. It makes sense, right? So during classes I diligently took notes. During conversations I contributed my own thoughts and nodded wisely as people added their ideas. Last November at First Call Theological Education we had the self-care conversation again. I knew the drill. I said the right things. I took more notes. In June at Synod Assembly I attended the mandatory boundaries workshop, and yep, you guessed it, we talked about all of this again. Here's the thing. It makes perfect sense, I understand the concept, I know what I should be doing. I can have conversations about this and know exactly what I should say or what people might suggest. Here's the other thing, though. I'm finding it less than easy to implement these things now that I'm in my first call. I have absolutely no idea how to go about making new friends or finding a support network outside of my congregation. My natural inclination is to hide in my apartment when I'm not at the church. I can barely afford groceries, let alone a spiritual director or therapist. E-mail and phone calls help, but it's not the same as having one or two really close friends that I can call to hang out with. Our new administrative person is fun, but there again is that whole, pesky dual relationship quandary. On the plus side, I am exercising regularly. Oh, and I hate it. Where are all of those fabulous endorphins everyone's always talking about? Mostly I'm just bored and wishing I could read and walk at the same time. Apparently when it comes to self care I can talk the talk but I can't come close to walking the walk. Sigh.